In February, 2009, I lost my mother. She didn't die. She walked away. Figuratively, of course, as she was living 3,000 miles away, on a different coast, in a different country. The pain was tremendous. A death, but by choice. As difficult as it was in the moment, it soon became a blessing. A lifetime of challenges eventually melted, and I survived and indeed, thrived.
I refer to my early years as a fractured childhood. I never, for a moment, doubted that I was loved. My mother just had some pretty messed up ways of showing it. I didn't know that my life was not normal. In public, around others, my mother hid her demons, and always had a loving smile and kind word. On the rare occasion when I had friends over, my mother was June Cleaver. When we were alone, she was Joan Crawford. When I was at friends' houses, their mothers were just as sweet and kind. I didn't realize that other mothers were always like that, not just when company was around!
My earliest memories are of abuse - physical and emotional. That isn't to say that I only have terrible memories, not so. But those that are most impressive are the bad ones. Child abuse as we now know it, wasn't a thing in the 70's. Oddly my mother was incredibly over-protective, but at the same time, exposed me to things that small children shouldn't be. One day maybe, I will write about the details. Those are incidental to me now. No need to dredge up long forgotten tragedies.
I longed for family. I wanted so badly to be part of the loving community that I knew as FAMILY. I was an only child; it was just my mother and me at home. My grandmother, Minnie, was my lifeline. She provided the unconditional love that a child should have. Sometimes I felt like I wanted to crawl up inside her heart and heal. She adored me and the feeling was mutual. In retrospect, I realize now, I was starved for affection. That insecurity still plagues me today - to a point that it sometimes interferes with healthy relationships. My need for validation can be suffocating. I'm growing though. Always growing.
As sad as it was, my happiest family times were at funerals. Maybe because extended family came together. Maybe because, for one short day, they held their tongues and let peace live. I remember after an aunt's funeral, talking to someone, saying that we should have some time together under better circumstances. Even as I said it, I didn't believe it would happen.
At the same time, though, family meant pain. My mother's narcissism, manic-depressive episodes and other mental health issues, alcoholism, fighting, abuse, it was always there... bubbling under the pretty facade that we were forced to uphold. I grew from that: chose joy, found courage and left that behind. At times, I have lamented what I've lost. Now I am grateful for the gifts that surviving it gave me: the capacity for unconditional love; a healthy nurturing relationship with my own kids; the ability to be without judgment; the knowledge that I can survive anything. I wouldn't wish what I lived on anyone, but I am a better person for it.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Saturday, June 29, 2013
Brand New Life
So many changes have taken place in my life in the last six months. Really, I am overwhelmed at the direction my life has taken - so much so that it is hard to put into words. Today, I simply marvel at it all.
If you told me a year ago that by now I will have lost 130 pounds, gone back to work full time, stopped homeschooling, taken steps to end my marriage, moved out of the house and be dating a woman, I would never have believed you. Are you as shocked as I am?
The journey has been fairly simple, though not easy. I'm finding my way to me. I realized a few months ago that I've spent much of my life being someone's daughter, someone's student, someone's employee, someone's wife, and someone's mother, following conventional expectation, that I forgot to figure out what and who I was and what I wanted. My friend Cindy was telling me about her mother who was visiting for a few days. Her mother and father had been married 58 years! Cindy was ordering a pizza and asked her mother what she wanted on the pizza, to which mom replied, "I don't know. I've always ordered what your father wanted."
Healthy dose of perspective right there. I mean, that isn't to say that my opinion didn't count, or that I was made to feel I didn't matter. Not so. I just usually did what made everyone else happy. Such is my way.
And so, this new journey continues.
If you told me a year ago that by now I will have lost 130 pounds, gone back to work full time, stopped homeschooling, taken steps to end my marriage, moved out of the house and be dating a woman, I would never have believed you. Are you as shocked as I am?
The journey has been fairly simple, though not easy. I'm finding my way to me. I realized a few months ago that I've spent much of my life being someone's daughter, someone's student, someone's employee, someone's wife, and someone's mother, following conventional expectation, that I forgot to figure out what and who I was and what I wanted. My friend Cindy was telling me about her mother who was visiting for a few days. Her mother and father had been married 58 years! Cindy was ordering a pizza and asked her mother what she wanted on the pizza, to which mom replied, "I don't know. I've always ordered what your father wanted."
Healthy dose of perspective right there. I mean, that isn't to say that my opinion didn't count, or that I was made to feel I didn't matter. Not so. I just usually did what made everyone else happy. Such is my way.
And so, this new journey continues.
Wednesday, December 05, 2012
Healthy Beginnings
Until this year, I had been on every diet plan imaginable – dating back to my teens, when at age 13, my mother put the book The Women Doctor's Diet for Teenage Girls, in my Christmas Stocking. Then, at age 15 (and 101 pounds) my mother took me to the Weight Loss Clinic (like a Canadian equivalent of Weight Watchers). (There are a lot of childhood issues there – including a short struggle with anorexia.) My food was highly regulated as a child – to a scary point. A typical day's meal was non-fat, unflavored yogurt with artificial sweetener and a slice of pineapple for breakfast; a half a tuna sandwich, an apple and a diet Sprite for lunch; four ounces of plain baked chicken and vegetables for dinner. I was a ballet dancer, working out 40 hours a week, and so malnourished (by this strict diet) that my metabolism shut down. So as soon as I was in control of what went into my mouth, all hell broke loose. By my mid 20’s I was in the high 100’s. By my 30’s I hit the high 200’s. I peaked in my 40’s at 325. I can say that now, because it is in the past. (Though it is hard to admit that number. Yikes!)
Throughout that time, my entire life revolved around food. Every diet plan always left me hungry, grumpy, and obsessed with whatever my next meal would be. In 2009, I finally decided I was done obsessing and gave up on dieting. That act alone allowed me to lose 20 pounds without trying (because I was no longer eating everything in site any time I “cheated” on the diet). Because I could have whatever I wanted without guilt, I no longer needed anything specific.
Then in late 2011, my dear friend Janette told me about The Primal Blueprint by Mark Sisson. That book changed my life. It is essentially a version of a “paleo” or “caveman” diet, which my family started in February 2012. The basic premise is that you avoid sugar, starch, grains and EVERYTHING that is processed. We eat meat, chicken, fish, fruits, vegetables, nuts and seeds. The idea is that, evolutionarily speaking, man has only eaten grains for 10,000 years and our bodies are not meant to process them efficiently. The author believes that most, if not all, people have a gluten resistance, and that eliminating that (plus the thousands of chemicals that go into processing food) have a huge impact on our health. For the first time ever, food is not something I think about. At all. My life no longer revolves around planning and preparing my next meal. And for the first time ever, I have NO cravings. None. I can walk past any formerly enticing sweet or salty snack and not think twice. Those things simply do NOT interest me. I eat to stay alive and nothing more. (That isn't to say that I don't enjoy the food I eat, I do.)
There is a website, Mark's Daily Apple which can give you the basics and lots of good information.
The other change is that I am now walking. A lot. In mid-September, my friend Gina (who has lost 80 pounds herself this year) signed up for the Heart Association walk which took place on October 7th. Somehow I found myself agreeing to do it with her. (WHAT?!) That night, I walked as far as I could – 3/10 of a mile, and then collapsed! I kept at it until I was able to walk the mile needed on October 7th. Since then, I have kept walking and regularly walk two miles at a stretch, and often more. I turned myself from a stress-eater into a stress-walker. Some days I walk several times – five miles or more in all!
To date, I’ve lost 75 pounds. I actually weigh less than it says on my driver’s license. I weigh the least I have in ten years. It feels good.
People ask me what my goal is. I didn’t start with a goal. Changing eating was what our family did to be healthier. Weight loss was a side-effect. At one point, I decided I wanted to be able to shop in the “regular” section. I’m nearly there now, and nowhere near done. The good thing is, that without a goal, I will always just be eating well and walking because it feels good. I won’t STOP that behavior just because I got to some magic number or size.
Throughout that time, my entire life revolved around food. Every diet plan always left me hungry, grumpy, and obsessed with whatever my next meal would be. In 2009, I finally decided I was done obsessing and gave up on dieting. That act alone allowed me to lose 20 pounds without trying (because I was no longer eating everything in site any time I “cheated” on the diet). Because I could have whatever I wanted without guilt, I no longer needed anything specific.
Then in late 2011, my dear friend Janette told me about The Primal Blueprint by Mark Sisson. That book changed my life. It is essentially a version of a “paleo” or “caveman” diet, which my family started in February 2012. The basic premise is that you avoid sugar, starch, grains and EVERYTHING that is processed. We eat meat, chicken, fish, fruits, vegetables, nuts and seeds. The idea is that, evolutionarily speaking, man has only eaten grains for 10,000 years and our bodies are not meant to process them efficiently. The author believes that most, if not all, people have a gluten resistance, and that eliminating that (plus the thousands of chemicals that go into processing food) have a huge impact on our health. For the first time ever, food is not something I think about. At all. My life no longer revolves around planning and preparing my next meal. And for the first time ever, I have NO cravings. None. I can walk past any formerly enticing sweet or salty snack and not think twice. Those things simply do NOT interest me. I eat to stay alive and nothing more. (That isn't to say that I don't enjoy the food I eat, I do.)
There is a website, Mark's Daily Apple which can give you the basics and lots of good information.
The other change is that I am now walking. A lot. In mid-September, my friend Gina (who has lost 80 pounds herself this year) signed up for the Heart Association walk which took place on October 7th. Somehow I found myself agreeing to do it with her. (WHAT?!) That night, I walked as far as I could – 3/10 of a mile, and then collapsed! I kept at it until I was able to walk the mile needed on October 7th. Since then, I have kept walking and regularly walk two miles at a stretch, and often more. I turned myself from a stress-eater into a stress-walker. Some days I walk several times – five miles or more in all!
To date, I’ve lost 75 pounds. I actually weigh less than it says on my driver’s license. I weigh the least I have in ten years. It feels good.
People ask me what my goal is. I didn’t start with a goal. Changing eating was what our family did to be healthier. Weight loss was a side-effect. At one point, I decided I wanted to be able to shop in the “regular” section. I’m nearly there now, and nowhere near done. The good thing is, that without a goal, I will always just be eating well and walking because it feels good. I won’t STOP that behavior just because I got to some magic number or size.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Growing Beyond Belief
The boys spent a week at CampQuest South Carolina. It was quite possibly the best week of their young lives. It was your typical summer camp experience... swimming, kayaking, arts, science, campfires and philosophy. The only difference is that this camp is intended for the kids of Freethinkers, Humanists, Skeptics, Atheists and Agnostics.
The experience got me thinking about my own tenets, which in the last year have grown beyond just a lack of belief in a god. I'm drawn to the Secular Humanist label, defined by Wikipedia thusly:
The philosophy or life stance secular humanism (alternatively known by adherents as Humanism, specifically with a capital H to distinguish it from other forms of humanism) embraces human reason, ethics, social justice, metaphysical naturalism, while specifically rejecting religious dogma, supernaturalism, pseudoscience or superstition as the basis of morality and decision-making.
It posits that human beings are capable of being ethical and moral without religion or God. It does not, however, assume that humans are either inherently evil or innately good, nor does it present humans as being superior to nature. Rather, the humanist life stance emphasizes the unique responsibility facing humanity and the ethical consequences of human decisions. Fundamental to the concept of secular humanism is the strongly held viewpoint that ideology—be it religious or political—must be thoroughly examined by each individual and not simply accepted or rejected on faith. Along with this, an essential part of secular humanism is a continually adapting search for truth, primarily through science and philosophy.
Atheist is a difficult label to own, but I am really glad I got there first. Now, though, I've matured beyond simply rejecting gods into embracing a philosophy that values qualities I've always held in high regard. There is a comfort in that and I am grateful to the people at CampQuest for giving me something to think about (and a week with a quiet house to do so!).
The experience got me thinking about my own tenets, which in the last year have grown beyond just a lack of belief in a god. I'm drawn to the Secular Humanist label, defined by Wikipedia thusly:
The philosophy or life stance secular humanism (alternatively known by adherents as Humanism, specifically with a capital H to distinguish it from other forms of humanism) embraces human reason, ethics, social justice, metaphysical naturalism, while specifically rejecting religious dogma, supernaturalism, pseudoscience or superstition as the basis of morality and decision-making.
It posits that human beings are capable of being ethical and moral without religion or God. It does not, however, assume that humans are either inherently evil or innately good, nor does it present humans as being superior to nature. Rather, the humanist life stance emphasizes the unique responsibility facing humanity and the ethical consequences of human decisions. Fundamental to the concept of secular humanism is the strongly held viewpoint that ideology—be it religious or political—must be thoroughly examined by each individual and not simply accepted or rejected on faith. Along with this, an essential part of secular humanism is a continually adapting search for truth, primarily through science and philosophy.
Atheist is a difficult label to own, but I am really glad I got there first. Now, though, I've matured beyond simply rejecting gods into embracing a philosophy that values qualities I've always held in high regard. There is a comfort in that and I am grateful to the people at CampQuest for giving me something to think about (and a week with a quiet house to do so!).
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
What is an Abomination?
Have you, or someone you know, ever...
~ cursed at one of your parents?
~ committed adultery?
~ worked on Sunday (or Saturday if you are Jewish)?
~ planted more than one kind of seed in a field?
~ worn clothes made of more than one kind material?
~ had your hair cut?
~ shaved your facial hair?
~ eaten ham? bacon? pork chops? pepperoni?
~ eaten shrimp? crab? lobster?
Do you know, that in the eyes of God, according to the bible, you have committed an abomination, the EXACT same way that being gay is an abomination?
You see the whole idea that gay marriage, or homosexuality even, is wrong, sinful, an abomination, is all based on a passage from the bible. Leviticus 20:13 "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." (King James Version)
So why is it that all those other so-called sins are now forgivable, but not homosexuality? Why are there no amendments on the ballots to shut down farms, clothing factories, and fast food restaurants, when there are states with amendments to prohibit homosexuals from enjoying the same freedoms as heterosexuals?
Whatever your beliefs about the validity of the bible being the word of God, can you not see, at the very least, the paralyzing hypocrisy of following one of those laws and not the rest?
Because those very sins I listed above are in the SAME book of the bible: Leviticus. According to that book, if someone commits any of the following sins, he or she should be put to death:
~ curse at a parent: Leviticus 20:9 (and Matthew 15:4, Exodus 21:17, Mark 7:10)
~ commit adultery: Leviticus 20:10 (adultery appears many times, but is only worthy of a death sentence in this passage)
~ work on Sabbath: Leviticus 23:32 (and Exodus 31:14-15, Exodus 35:2-3, Numbers 15:32-36)
While these won't incur a death penalty, according to Leviticus, they are very sinful indeed:
~ crop rotation: Leviticus 19:19
~ clothes of blended fabrics: Leviticus 19:19 (and Deuteronomy 22:11-12)
~ cut hair: Leviticus 19:27
~ shave facial hair: Leviticus 19:27
~ eat pork: Leviticus 11:6-8
~ eat shellfish: Leviticus 11:10 (and Deuteronomy 14:9-10)
And so I plead with those who think that homosexuality is immoral, wrong, sinful, or just plain strange: consider your OWN sins before casting aspersions upon another.
Consider for a moment that ALL people are created equal.
Consider that you don't have to LIKE homosexuality, you don't have to LIVE homosexually, you don't even have to LOVE THY NEIGHBOR, as Jesus would like you to do.
Actually, you can forget that homosexuals exist all together if that makes you more comfortable. In fact, if you stop messing around with people's private lives, we can all go back to living them privately and you can pretend everyone is "traditional" just like you.
----------------------------------------------------------
AFTERTHOUGHT
I should have just turned to Aaron Sorkin's brilliance and let HIM make my point:
WEST WING Episode 203 "Midterms" which originally aired in October of 2000
UPDATE May 24, 2012 - This one hit Facebook and I had to include it!
~ cursed at one of your parents?
~ committed adultery?
~ worked on Sunday (or Saturday if you are Jewish)?
~ planted more than one kind of seed in a field?
~ worn clothes made of more than one kind material?
~ had your hair cut?
~ shaved your facial hair?
~ eaten ham? bacon? pork chops? pepperoni?
~ eaten shrimp? crab? lobster?
Do you know, that in the eyes of God, according to the bible, you have committed an abomination, the EXACT same way that being gay is an abomination?
You see the whole idea that gay marriage, or homosexuality even, is wrong, sinful, an abomination, is all based on a passage from the bible. Leviticus 20:13 "If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood shall be upon them." (King James Version)
So why is it that all those other so-called sins are now forgivable, but not homosexuality? Why are there no amendments on the ballots to shut down farms, clothing factories, and fast food restaurants, when there are states with amendments to prohibit homosexuals from enjoying the same freedoms as heterosexuals?
Whatever your beliefs about the validity of the bible being the word of God, can you not see, at the very least, the paralyzing hypocrisy of following one of those laws and not the rest?
Because those very sins I listed above are in the SAME book of the bible: Leviticus. According to that book, if someone commits any of the following sins, he or she should be put to death:
~ curse at a parent: Leviticus 20:9 (and Matthew 15:4, Exodus 21:17, Mark 7:10)
~ commit adultery: Leviticus 20:10 (adultery appears many times, but is only worthy of a death sentence in this passage)
~ work on Sabbath: Leviticus 23:32 (and Exodus 31:14-15, Exodus 35:2-3, Numbers 15:32-36)
While these won't incur a death penalty, according to Leviticus, they are very sinful indeed:
~ crop rotation: Leviticus 19:19
~ clothes of blended fabrics: Leviticus 19:19 (and Deuteronomy 22:11-12)
~ cut hair: Leviticus 19:27
~ shave facial hair: Leviticus 19:27
~ eat pork: Leviticus 11:6-8
~ eat shellfish: Leviticus 11:10 (and Deuteronomy 14:9-10)
And so I plead with those who think that homosexuality is immoral, wrong, sinful, or just plain strange: consider your OWN sins before casting aspersions upon another.
Consider for a moment that ALL people are created equal.
Consider that you don't have to LIKE homosexuality, you don't have to LIVE homosexually, you don't even have to LOVE THY NEIGHBOR, as Jesus would like you to do.
Actually, you can forget that homosexuals exist all together if that makes you more comfortable. In fact, if you stop messing around with people's private lives, we can all go back to living them privately and you can pretend everyone is "traditional" just like you.
----------------------------------------------------------
AFTERTHOUGHT
I should have just turned to Aaron Sorkin's brilliance and let HIM make my point:
WEST WING Episode 203 "Midterms" which originally aired in October of 2000
UPDATE May 24, 2012 - This one hit Facebook and I had to include it!
Saturday, January 07, 2012
The Dreaded Hormonster
I recognize that no parent is anywhere near perfect. I also acknowledge that there are thousands of things that my husband and I do as parents that some might deem inappropriate, unnecessary, excessive, controlling, or just plain wrong. I fully accept that I cannot plan for, nor predict, everything our kids might learn from, or need from us, but I can sure as hell try.
I lovingly refer to my early years as a "fractured childhood." Never once, for a moment did I question that I was loved and cared for, but as I grew up, I found myself both naive and ill-prepared for a world beyond the little two-bedroom townhouse I was raised in. As most kids did, and do, I faced puberty alone, a muddled mess of emotions and moodswings, anger, hatred, disappointment, occasionally interrupted by a fleeting moment of joy (which I then worked hard to hide because it so violently conflicted with the rest of my day).
As a result, our boys (now 11 and 13) have heard the term "hormones" for years. I wanted them to be prepared to handle the craziness of pubescence armed with information and understanding. We told them that hormones make you feel extreme emotions, and that sometimes is difficult to deal with, and that it is NORMAL, and EVERYONE goes through it, and it WILL end eventually, but that while hormones were the REASON that those feelings existed, they were NOT an excuse for bad behavior.
Let me tell you this, our family has been TESTED repeatedly.
Simon, as the older son, is the first to experience the "joys" of the teen years. Many times, I can "talk him down" by reminding him that the anger / misery / angst is a temporary fluctuation and help him work through the feelings before the door slamming / stomping / crying behavior takes over. Sometimes though, I want him to handle it himself - to learn how to manage the emotions. I remind him that things can go two ways - he can go off and quietly work through his feelings, or he can pick a fight, participate in a screaming match, be banished to his room, and THEN working through his feelings - followed by the inevitable apology (that I am thankful occasionally comes without prompting).
Despite the slips we both have (because, please, teenagers KNOW how to push buttons), I think we're generally facing the hormonster together as a team quite successfully. Our family is far from perfect, but this time, I think maybe it's going to be okay.
At least until both boys are dealing with pubescent mood swings. I will get back to you on that one.
I lovingly refer to my early years as a "fractured childhood." Never once, for a moment did I question that I was loved and cared for, but as I grew up, I found myself both naive and ill-prepared for a world beyond the little two-bedroom townhouse I was raised in. As most kids did, and do, I faced puberty alone, a muddled mess of emotions and moodswings, anger, hatred, disappointment, occasionally interrupted by a fleeting moment of joy (which I then worked hard to hide because it so violently conflicted with the rest of my day).
As a result, our boys (now 11 and 13) have heard the term "hormones" for years. I wanted them to be prepared to handle the craziness of pubescence armed with information and understanding. We told them that hormones make you feel extreme emotions, and that sometimes is difficult to deal with, and that it is NORMAL, and EVERYONE goes through it, and it WILL end eventually, but that while hormones were the REASON that those feelings existed, they were NOT an excuse for bad behavior.
Let me tell you this, our family has been TESTED repeatedly.
Simon, as the older son, is the first to experience the "joys" of the teen years. Many times, I can "talk him down" by reminding him that the anger / misery / angst is a temporary fluctuation and help him work through the feelings before the door slamming / stomping / crying behavior takes over. Sometimes though, I want him to handle it himself - to learn how to manage the emotions. I remind him that things can go two ways - he can go off and quietly work through his feelings, or he can pick a fight, participate in a screaming match, be banished to his room, and THEN working through his feelings - followed by the inevitable apology (that I am thankful occasionally comes without prompting).
Despite the slips we both have (because, please, teenagers KNOW how to push buttons), I think we're generally facing the hormonster together as a team quite successfully. Our family is far from perfect, but this time, I think maybe it's going to be okay.
At least until both boys are dealing with pubescent mood swings. I will get back to you on that one.
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