Spiritual Beyond Belief

I consider myself a spiritual person, particularly with regard to the human spirit. I think that in most cases, people are, at their core, honest, good and moral. (Obviously, there are exceptions: Charles Manson, Adolf Hitler, Jeffrey Dahmer. And I believe in MOST of those exceptions, mental disease or defect plays a huge role - whether naturally occurring [hormone imbalance, chemical imbalance] or artificially induced [drug or alcohol abuse].) Yes, I believe at their core, most people are moral and good - as long as being so is easy - add a little hardship and sometimes that sense of morality slips away. What I don't believe is that God (or whatever your label: Yahweh, Jesus, Deus, Bog, Ishvara, Deva, Allah, Krishna-Vasudeva, Vishnu, Zeus, Hari, Guanches, Tenerife, Achamán, or Savior) governs a person's morality. But hey, if knowing and loving your god helps you to be a more moral, loving, generous and good person, well more power to you.

There has been an evolution of my lack of belief over the course of my life. My first memory of questioning the existence of God was in grade three. My class was learning about the people we now refer to as Native Americans. These Indians, we were told, created gods - like a harvest god and a moon god - to explain things in nature that they didn't understand. We were told of different legends about these various gods and I was entranced. I raised my hand, "Isn't that," I asked innocently, "what we did with our God?"

And so it goes.

At eight years old, I was already questioning one of the major governing powers in our world. I went to church regularly with my very religious grandmother and thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. We went to a grand cathedral, where the pomp and circumstance, the organ and the flowers, the throngs of people and the glorious songs were all a fantastic experience. My grandmother, Minnie, was a beautiful singer and I reveled in the opportunity to sing out with her, loudly and proudly, for every hymn. I honestly believed that EVERYONE in the church was pretending to believe because they loved to sing like I did.

Despite regular weekly visits to church, I don't ever really remember religion being a big influence my life. The Deacon would say hello in the grocery store; Minnie had lots of friends from church; I knew a few Jewish kids (and a few African American kids - I lived in a lily white town, but do not remember racism or religious persecution at all - we were a very accepting community, at least to the little girl who lived there). But religion really wasn't a "big deal" the way it seems to be now. (Perhaps the "now" view is a product now living in the deep south, the very buckle of the bible belt, as I say.) In fact, in grade four, when I read Judy Blume's Are You There God, it's Me, Margaret? I didn't understand one of the core threads of the story, which was Margaret's conflict in deciding whether to join the Y or the Jewish Community Center.

I even joined the church youth group. I don't really remember there being a lot of God stuff in our activities, but I enjoyed hanging out with friends. I remember talking to other friends about scary movies and upside-down crosses, and devil worshipers, and other myths and urban legends, but the only experience I had with facing religion head-on was when I was about fifteen and decided I was NOT going to church to participate in a worldwide farce and conspiracy which was created because a young girl, who got knocked up, didn't want to admit the truth. I suspect teen angst and hormones played a role in that stand, as I remember being pretty pissed off when I made the statement to my mother (who really didn't care one way or the other if I went to church).

It took me another twenty years to actually come around to labeling myself, and another five to get comfortable enough in my own skin to say it out loud - in fact, even now, only a few of my closest friends know the truth (and now you, dear reader): I am an atheist. (Cue the horrified gasp, and the black and white footage of elderly women fainting.)

I stayed a closeted atheist for a long time because I was afraid of people judging me (again, buckle of the bible belt!). In my 40's, however, I have embraced the "me that I am" and although I don't intend to put an "I'm an Atheist" bumper sticker on my car, I don't really care who finds out. I just don't plan to take out a newspaper ad; let people find out organically.

It also helped that I have met a few "real life" atheists in the last year. Several are open, others are private. Either way, it makes my feelings somehow more legitimate. Mike, my proud atheist friend, encouraged me to be more open. He said that the more "normal" people who come out as atheists, the less people will believe that we are all satan-worshiping baby-eaters. True enough. But until I met these "real people" atheists, Julia Sweeney (in Letting Go of God), Penn Jillette and Bill Maher (in Religulous) were the only people I could look to. Recently, I found out that other people I respect, Janette Barber, Ricky Gervais (in The Invention of Lying) and Seth MacFarlane are also atheists. Not bad role models, if you want the truth.

Here's the thing. I'm not going to try to convince you that you are wrong to believe in God, the "man in the sky" or whomever your god might be. Just as I ask others not to preach to me about whatever gods they choose to worship. You know why? Because I believe in the golden rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. (I do understand the immediate irony that this is based on a quote from the bible, but actually it dates farther back to ancient times in Babylon, Egypt, Persia, India, Greece, Judea, and China.)

In the end, I believe that morality and ethics* have little to do with organized religion. In fact some of the most moral people I know are non-believers, just as some VERY religious people are amoral, or even immoral, sinning in every way imaginable (believing that two hours in the pews every Sunday makes up for everything). As I said before, if believing in heaven, the Rapture, Jesus the Savior or any other religious tenet helps you to be a better person, then praise (your) God.

I choose to be good because it is the right thing to do. I choose to be kind because doing so, helping others, makes me feel good. I choose to follow "the rules" (be they laws or just common decency) because doing so gives me peace that I am contributing to the greater good. In the end, isn't that really all that matters?



* Though often confused, morality and ethics are two different things: morality has to do with your own personal conduct and belief system; ethics has to do with a group's code of conduct, be it within a company, sisterhood or community.